It’s almost Easter now, and that might be why everyone’s tired/cranky, or because they’ve got so much work, or it might just be that every now and again my housemates go a bit crazy. It tends to happen in an incredibly passive aggressive show of anger, and this time it took the form of loo roll. Seriously.

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I posted last year about the time where nobody talked to each other for weeks over an empty bottle of washing up liquid; this time it’s loo roll. 24 rolls to be exact. They think I stole them, which of course I didn’t, because why?! Normally, about 8/10 times, my housemates are pretty nice and we get along, but when they do have a problem it’s usually with me. They love Kieran (who’s very laid back and just the best person ever) but with me- not so much. They’re morning people, I usually emerge like a gremlin in the dead of night, they’re incredibly tidy, I normally take a while to wash up due to the dancing/singing/flailing around to my washing up music, they leave passive aggressive notes everywhere which I dared to laugh at. You know the ones, the “could we all please” s, except they’re not talking about themselves. That kind of thing. I think they relax by taking out their angst on me, and this time was no different- let me set the scene…

The crime: 24 rolls of loo paper, ‘missing’

The suspect: Me.

Location for investigation: The Kitchen.

I was making a cup of tea in the kitchen and trying to be quick about it, because they’d been muttering angrily about The Theft on the Facebook chat and I could tell they were going to try and pin it on me. However, being incredibly passive-aggressive, they don’t like coming out and accusing you directly, and get very twitchy if you try to be direct with them, meaning instead we do an awkward little role play, dancing down the passive aggressive line. It’s actually quite fun. It goes like this:

They begin with a carefully casual “think we’re going to have to pick up some more loo roll soon”.                                                                                                                                                        

“Yeah. Guess so.”                                                                                                                                      

They begin to approach the issue- “seems like we’re getting through a lot, people must be taking them into their rooms.”                                                                                                            

“Huh. Weird.”                                                                                                                                            

This makes them anxious; they don’t like vague answers. “People shouldn’t steal them, it’s bad”.                                                                                                                                                

 “Yeah, that’s right.”                                                                                                                          

They’re not sure what to do with this; they’re nervous now, they want it out in the open and passive aggressive etiquette means they can neither accuse nor force me to own up to it. They retreat upstairs for further planning. I follow them resignedly up and hear frantic whispering coming from one of their rooms, headquarters for The Loo Roll Investigation. As I pass I hear “…it’s not that she stole them, it’s that she’s lying about it.”

Huh. I am now both a thief and a fraud. How dare I. I can almost feel the price on my head. One of The Loo Roll Investigators emerges and sees me- it’s obvious I heard them, and oh, no, this is too much confrontation for a passive aggressive person- she retreats again hurriedly. The whispering goes up a pitch. I go to wait it out in my room, and consider buying exactly 24 loo rolls to make a giant loo roll statue of declaration in the kitchen. This goes on for a while, everyone trying not to bump into each other and having this face when they do: 

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Eventually they caved, we were inundated with endless loo rolls, and hopefully the loo roll worshippers will be appeased.

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