So, not long after the The Loo Roll Incident, the housemates have kicked off again.


The most problematic of them is this one girl who prides herself on being upfront in arguments, except she confuses that quality with pure belligerence- she’s the Argumentative One. So, seeing as she was death staring me everywhere I went, cooking far more aggressively than is really necessary when I was in the kitchen, throwing pots and pans around and barging past me, I thought I’d try and talk to her about it. But you have to pick the right moment; they’re at the twitchy stage where any sudden movement might set them off. She’s already on edge and stressy; the perfect moment is of huge importance. So, waiting for a day when there’s no one else in the kitchen to get her riled up, she has no work due, she’s not feeling ill, it’s not too hot, it’s not too cold, there’s a perfect amount of loo rolls in the house and a unicorn outside the kitchen window; very quietly, I say “Do you have a problem with me?”

Pause. She says, “No.” I turn around to go. “…Except…

And off she goes.

You don’t help with the cleaning!” I do. “You’re lying! When’s the last time you did the bins?” last week. She’d forgotten about that. “Lying!

You don’t want to do stuff with us!” I do. “Lying!

Some of the other housemates edge in quietly while we’re talking (she’s yelling)- not to help it seems, apparently they just want to stand there awkwardly and watch. The Audience has arrived.

When the loo rolls are brought up again (why! why!) I’ve had about enough. I can see she’s building up steam to go on for another couple hours, so I crab-sidle out the door, go to my room, fully aware that the second the door closes everything that just happened is going to be replayed and discussed in great detail by the Argumentative One and the Audience.

Door closes.

Whisper whisper whisper.


The word “lying” crops up again- (why? why?! why would I lie? who cares enough about cleaning to lie about it?) it would take more effort to not put bins out and lie about it then to actually do it.

And, oh no, I’d forgotten my cup of tea downstairs (I’m obsessed with tea, British problem, I know)- no tea left behind, so I had to go rescue it from the Scene Of the Argument. I walk into the kitchen, and the temperature drops instantly; death stares all round.


Oof. Sidle past The Audience, sidle past the Argumentative One, grab the tea, and:


I’m gone.

This is gonna be fun to live with.

Phew, ok, rant over! It is still a GOOD DAY. So a good day song: My Sharona, The Knack. Hope you enjoy!


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