Following the whole contouring phase I thought I’d give improving my makeup skills another go, because it’s getting sort of ridiculous now that other people can turn up to lectures, even when it’s raining, looking like sophisticated students ready to tackle anything while I stagger in after them sporting something that should be called ‘the drowned rat look’. I’ve sorta-kinda got the hang of the eyeshadow I like now, but my first attempt, not so much:

I thought maybe I’d start with the eyes/eye-shadowing because the whole contouring business is just on the scarily complicated level where you’d probably have to sell your soul/make a ritualistic sacrifice before you even have the skills to do it. Plus, I actually had nice fancy eye make up (that I had no idea how to use): the Urban Decay Naked 2 Palette, which is gorgeous:


I trawled through YouTube looking for any instructional video with the words “simple” and “quick” and found one with the intriguing promise to help make your eyes get a shimmery smoky kind of look. I was determined.

The video began and ahhh straightaway there was a daunting amount of professional brushes and makeup and a war paint arsenal laid out- plus the tutor, some sort of makeup wizard, already had a perfectly made-up face- how does that make sense. I glanced nervously down at my own pitiful collection of old brushes fished from the bottom of my makeup bag- me and my brushes were not prepared for this- and in that short second looking away from the screen the makeup wizard had already zoomed through at least 3 products. I whacked the volume button furiously- what was she doing???

…I’m using the primer potion…

The what? What?! I don’t have that? I rattled my bag for something that might be the same colour or consistency, fished out an old pot of shimmery something- it looked like it might be a base for something, so on it went, quickly, because AHH she’d already moved onto something else-

…and now I’m going to use a primer potion in this shade…

What? A second one? I didn’t even have one potion, how could she have two? It was almost the same colour, was it really necessary? Is there even that much skin surface area on the eyelid? Well I don’t have that either, so…surreptitiously skipping ahead in the video…

…and now the ‘pistol’ shade in the corner of the eyelid…

Whipping out one of the fancy brushes, turning it so we could all clearly see which brush we should have, she expertly painted the corner of her eye with a subtle dark shade. How am I behind again. Grab one of the 3 Pitiful Brushes, take a minuscule amount of the shadow, make a tiny dab on the corner of my eye- I now look like I’ve been punched in the face. No time to fix it because now she’s blending:

…and this black shade over the top…

Another brush. Damn it. I grab one at random, pick the right black shade, dab it on my eye and-oof. Another punch in the face.

“…now I’m using the shade blackout…

More black- is she mad?! No, she’s adding a beautifully drawn wing-tip thing to the corner of her eye underneath perfect eyebrows. I put an infinitesimal amount of the black eyeshadow on and- I’m now the lead singer of Kiss. Congratulations to me.


What is she doing now?

…my blending brush…putting it below my eyebrow…

I can’t even tell how far behind I am now.

As if to mock me, the makeup wizard now pauses, looks at the camera with her beautiful eyeshadow, and says “you should now be looking like that”.

I look in the mirror. The Kiss singer, who’s clearly just lost a bad bar fight, stares sadly back.

The make-up wizard is not even half done. She’s picked up a black eyeliner pen (more black? why?!) and, a little mad now, I try to follow her: black eyeliner under the eye. It smudges, I’m back to the drowned rat look, my area of expertise but ah– she’s now on a light shade- no time to check which one- and, ignoring the black smudges all over my face (the chin? how?) I desperately pat it on my eye. Mascara- blind myself. False lashes- probably just safer not to try. The makeup wizard is done and I sort of want to cry at how pretty she looks. I’m “done” at the same time, eyes watering, black smudges down my face.

Got my halloween idea sorted at least.


4 thoughts on “makeup fail

  1. There, there :’)
    Practice makes perfect, the “makeup wizard” probably had a ton of similar experiences when she was starting makeup 😉
    My advice – buy a few more brushes and a primer and practice when you’re not in a rush, or even better, when you don’t have to go anywhere at all 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Haha thank you, I guess that’s true, makes me feel better anyway! Thanks for the good advice, I’m definitely going to invest in some better brushes for practicing 🙂 xx


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